'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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