Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
