Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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