Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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