A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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