i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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