Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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