guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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