"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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