To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
