I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
