i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
