All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
