why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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