I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
