So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize