My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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