my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I will pee on everything he values.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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