Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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