we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
