i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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