hotel room ftw
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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