How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
