Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
