ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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