I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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