the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
