I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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