I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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