she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize