Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
