The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
