dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
