Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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