You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
