His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
