Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
