Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
