seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
