tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
