never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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