The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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