I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
