You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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