Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
