I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
