i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
