I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am spending my child support on dildos
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
