He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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