Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize