my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
