sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
