So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
