The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
