listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
