Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
