and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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