I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
