Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
