I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
