So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
