Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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