I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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