The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
